It’s another domestic at an address you’ve been to many times before. Why don’t these people get it? Don’t they know how to communicate? But rolling up in the parking lot you can hear a lot of communication coming from the third-floor appartment. It’s not a failure to communicate, but a lack of good communication.
Marriages dissolve, friendships end, partent-child relationships are strained, neighbors have disputes, and the workplace can be brutal because people do not know how to speak or to listen. Are you a good communicator? Do your life and your relationships show it?
If you are struggling, here are 7 principles to make you a more effective communicator.
1. I will learn to keep my mouth shut.
“Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.” – Proverbs 17:28
“He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction.” – Proverbs 13:3
“Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.” – Proverbs 21:23
“A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.” – Ecclesiastes 3:7
For a birthday present, a sixteen-year old boy was once given a T-Shirt with an instruction sign on the front which read, “Be Sure Brain is in Gear Before Engaging Mouth.” To prevent hurting someone, making a fool of myself, causing conflict to escalate, or bringing legal action against the department, I must think before I speak.
“Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.” – Proverbs 23:9
“Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him. Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.” – Proverbs 26:4-5
These verses are not contradictory. It simply shows us that there are times when either approach may be necessary. It’s not always easy to determine when to speak and when to keep quiet. There are some people who, no matter how much you want to help them resolve a conflict or be a friend, will just not listen and it could be disastrous if you persist. In this case, it’s best to practice the wisdom of the German Reformer, Martin Luther, who said, “I have learned this art: when I have nothing more to say, I stop talking.” It sounds so easy!
2. I will learn to avoid saying things that are mean and hurtful.
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” – Ephesians 4:29
The word “corrupt” refers to rotten fruit. And “grace” simply means help. We enter into conversations to help others, and be helped. Our purpose is to build people up, not to tear them down. Learning, growing, changing, comforting, and encouraging are benefits of good conversation.
A person can only take so much verbal abuse and then they will file for a divorce, quit a job, commit suicide, never speak to a person again, have an affair, seek escape with an enslaving habit, or simply resign themselves to a joyless, meaningless existence.
3. I will learn to be truthful in all that I say.
“For there is no faithfulness in their mouth; their inward part is very wickedness; their throat is an open sepulcher; they flatter with their tongue.” – Psalm 5:9
“His mouth is full of cursing and deceit and fraud: under his tongue is mischief and vanity.” – Psalm 10:7
“Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.” – Psalm 34:13
“The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies.” – Psalm 58:3
I have never had to teach my children how to lie and my parents never had to teach me. We are liars from birth, and whether its flattery to get what we want, or deceit to avoid getting what we deserve; until the truth is spoken problems can’t be resolved. Remember the grade school taunt, “Liar, liar, pants on fire hanging from a telephone wire!” Death by asphixiation and burning are gruesome forms of torture and death. Whoever thought up that rhyme was trying to teach people that lying cannot be tolerated and must have severe consequences.
There are also tremendous benefits of being consistently truthful in what you say. President Harry S. Truman once said, “The great thing about always telling the truth is that you never have to remember what you said.”
4. I will learn to speak without yelling and screaming.
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” - Proverbs 15:1
“Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.” – Proverbs 16:24
“He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.” – Proverbs 16:32
Francois de la Rochefoucauld said, “Ninety percent of the friction of daily life is caused by the wrong tone of voice.”
Here are some responses you may consider using to defuse an argument:
“I am glad you brought this to my attention.” – - “You are right, I did/did not…” – - “Would you let me think about it?” – - “Could you repeat that?”
Losing control is never going to be useful in solving a conflict.
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath.” – James 1:19
5. I will learn that everything I say is being recorded and will someday be used against me in a court of law.
Dash-cameras have significantly reduced spurious claims against officers, but they have also verified their indiscretions!
“If you use a cell phone, you had better be careful what you say because that signal is still out in space somewhere moving away from earth at 186,000 miles per second. If I could jump five light years into space and set up a receiver, I could hear everything that you said five years ago. If I could jump fifty light years from here and set up a television receiver, I could watch a program that was broadcast on this earth 50 years ago.” – Stan Swinney, Confessions of a Rocket Scientist, Chambers College Press, 2005
“But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give an account thereof in the day of judgment.” – Matthew 12:36
6. I will learn to listen carefully.
“A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels.” – Proverbs 1:5
The role of a chaplain, pastor, or a police officer invites criticism- lots of it! Over time you grow so weary of the constant hail of accusations and endless cutting remarks that when someone comes to “talk” to you, you want to shut down. This is normal, but it’s dangerous. There are still one or two kind souls who sincerely desire to help you. Unfortunately, though, you are probably going to have to listen to the ninety-nine others before they come along! But those one or two kind souls can see your potential. There’s nothing in it for them, they just see a greater good; a bigger cause; if they can just get you to listen! Don’t roll your eyes; don’t tune them out; don’t stare at the floor! Just listen!
There are also people who need help and could be helped if they would just listen. But when approached, they release a flood of manufactured tears, bitter sarcasm, angry outbursts, or deafening silence. Then they wonder why nobody wants to talk to them! On numerous occasions Jesus pleaded with his audience, “He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.” People that desire to be wise are willing to listen.
Are you selective in who you listen to? I am constantly reminding people that if you look long enough and hard enough you will find somebody who will say what you want to hear.
“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” – Proverbs 27:6
“It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools.” – Ecclesiastes 7:5
In 1963, Adlai E. Stevenson spoke to the students at Princeton University. “I understand I am here to speak and you are here to listen,” he said. “Let’s hope we both finish at the same time.” (Source: Kent Hughes, 1001 Great Stories and Quotes
7. I must learn that problems in communication are not about the ears or mouth, but about the heart!
“O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.” – Matthew 12:34
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” – Jeremiah 17:9
Because what flows from our mouths is controlled by what is in our hearts, it takes a change of heart to improve our communication.
“That if thou shalt confess with they mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt belive in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.” - Romans 10:9-10
King David mocked the pagans who bowed themselves to inanimate objects because the idols “had ears but could not hear and mouths but could not speak” (Psalm 115:5-6).
While watching pagans dancing on an alter and crying to their god, the Prophet Elijah mocked them by saying, maybe he’s sleeping; maybe he’s on vacation; maybe he is busy…” In a further attempt to get their god’s attention, they cried louder and took sharp stones and cut themselves until their blood gushed out. But the Canaanite god, Baal, did not hear or speak.
These pagan gods are poor communicators, but our God delights in conversing with us! He speaks to us through His creations (Psalm 19:1), our conscience (Romans 12:15), and His Word. What hope, help, comfort, answers, and solutions we would receive if we just took time to listen to Him!
He also yearns for us to speak to Him. The avenue of prayer (not to treat Him like a genie in a bottle, but actually commune with Him) is a marvelous privilege. When was the last time you talked to Him?
“The eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry.” – Psalm 34:15
Do you see how the first six principles begin? “I will learn…” It won’t happen overnight; it takes time. Did you notice number seven? “I must learn…” Until you grasp the truth that problems in communication are issues of the heart, effective communication will always elude you.
For information on how you can open up that communication link with God, click here! Feel free to contact me at any time if you have questions or concerns. I would enjoy hearing from you!
-Tim.
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